The Latest "Buzz" On Writing Your Senior Resume'

Now I've truly heard it all! The bruises to your ego just keep on comin' after 50 . . . it's one big long youthful horror fest at the thought that you've not only lived so long, but that you dare to walk around out there in public and tell people what you've learned. Heavens! Why don't we have the good sense to go hide out on the back porch and rock 'til we drop?! What are we thinking?

I don't usually offer my age -- but I don't lie about it when asked, either. I haven't started coloring my hair because it seems like I wouldn't be fooling anyone but myself -- and I earned all those rapidly appearing gray hairs. I don't dress like I'm 25 because I've seen too many "mature" women who do, and frankly . . . they aren't kidding anyone either.

So while sipping my coffee and watching the Today Show this morning, I swear I almost lost it when they introduced a guest who was there specifically to help us "old folks" who may be job-hunting. They referred to her advice as giving your resume' a Botox treatment. Are you kidding me?

It's not bad enough that half the female senior population in this country has been conned into believing that walking around with artificial smiles stretching back to their ear lobes, and wrinkles injected with poison to fluff them up are perfectly natural. Now they want us to do a little chop job on our life's work, too!

Apparently we older folks have some nerve to let anyone know how much work experience we actually have, not to mention letting anyone see us in our natural state.

This woman had called upon a variety of people to help her create the illusion that she was younger than she really is. A hair stylist gave her a hip, young look . . . a 20-something year old took her shopping for some new clothes (couldn't be sure, but it looked like black leather pants and jacket to me -- certainly MY favorite look for a job interview) . . . a professional resume' writer covered up some of the many years of hard won experience to make her sound younger on paper . . . and finally, a glamour photographer was hired to take photos to go with her new modern resume.

Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but it sounds to me like the best way for anyone over 50 to find a new job is to lie like a rug!

So here are the new guidelines as I understand them on how to better present yourself if you've had the good fortune to live, learn and work for a REALLY long time:

• Buy a good supply of hair color products so you won't be the only gray-tinged head in the office (maybe you could even try some of those new bright red, purple or green colors that are favored by the "punk" population. Then they'd certainly be fooled into thinking you were REALLY young!)
• Men were told not to show up at an interview in a suit coat and tie if a company has gone to "casual" style for its employees -- it will make you look like the old fogey. (Forget good taste.)
• Get that glamour photographer on retainer ASAP! It might take a while to get just the right photo. One I noted had this lady standing in a wide-legged stance with hands on her hips bent slightly at the waist and laughing. (Reminded me of the old Jolly Green Giant commercials.)
• Shop like you've never shopped before - literally! Don't stop with those leather pants that you can't sit down in. Young-it up all the way down to your shoes. Buy some of those spikey new heels that make our old 60's style high-heeled shoes look comfy. (Just watch where you're walking though. You know how it is with bifocals -- if you don't look down, you're liable to mis-step and land on your new younger-looking derriere.)
• And cover up that experience! Let's face it. Someone as young and hip as we are couldn't possibly have 20 years+ experience in their field. So just don't tell anyone how long you've done your job. Save the hard core stuff for the actual application you'll be required to fill out in minute detail, where you have to swear in blood that everything you've said is accurate to your knowledge.

Maybe if interviewers are sufficiently impressed with your green, spikey-haired self in the new leather outfit stretching over your middle-aged gravity-challenged body, they'll never think to compare your resume' to your application, and you won't get fired for misrepresenting yourself.

I was aware that "dumb" was in . . . after all, what else could possibly explain the bizarre interest in the empty-headed Paris Hilton types of the world? But isn't it just a little scary to think that the people making corporate hiring decisions in this country are actually less impressed with experience than they are with our ability to look eternally young? That may give us a clue as to what's wrong with our economy, ya' think?

Talk about a turning point . . . welcome to the dumbing down of America!

© Carol Auclair Daly.2008-2010 All Rights Reserved